My husband and I have had a tough 2 years. In May 2015 our international adoption of 18 months fell through. In November 2015- I miscarried our first child. We spent the next 18 months exhausting sources with donors. (My husband is transgender- female to male- so we need to use a sperm donor.) Some donors were unreliable. Other sources (from sperm banks like our last pregnancy) too expensive since we had exhausted all of our financial resources between the last pregnancy and adoption. We finally found a donor who was an amazing fit (a family friend actually) and got our BFP the first month with him!
I’m only a few days out of the whole 2 year nightmare- but I am praying this baby sticks- because for the first time in years I feel true joy and hope again. I don’t think I realized how much of my joy was stolen through this whole journey until I got my most recent BFP.
Here’s my symptoms- with a bit of humor because I truly feel you have to have some levity to survive TTC and the TWW!
1dpo-5dpo:
These days were relatively uneventful. I would alternate every other day. One day I would say to my husband, “I just know it. This is our month. Do you think it is?? Am I being crazy or do you think it could be?” The next day I would adamantly say, “I just know it’s not our month. Why does this keep happening to us? I just don’t get it.”
He really loved these conversations.
My symptoms were my usual post-OV symptoms- which are all probably just from progesterone. This includes: cramping, slightly sore nipples, being able to smell things more (for good and for bad), and an usual one for me- cramps in my thighs. My temps jumped a little higher than usual- which is odd for me.
6dpo:
This is when things got a little weird. Around 3pm I felt myself get very warm and noticed that from about 3pm to about 5pm that day- I had a fever of about 99.6 or so. It went away around 5pm though and I felt fine.
I have done some googling and have found casual info about fevers sometimes associated with fertilized eggs- and that causing a fever (like the body thinks it’s an intruder or something)- but who really knows how scientific that is.
My dog sniffs my crotch super weird on this day and I am super tempted to google, “Dog sniffed crotch 6dpo” on google. Kid. You. Not. I admittedly held back.
7po:
This is the day I started to think I was pregnant. Some of the symptoms reminded me of last pregnancy- and then also I just had that “I think I’m pregnant” feeling.
The cramps were super specific on this day. More intense than usual and like a sharp shooting feeling. I was also getting zaps in the sides of my breasts. Super bloated and boobs feel huge. I kept feeling very hungry but NOTHING sounded good to me. That is kind of a common “my period is coming” symptom for me though.
On this day I cried to both my mom and husband something along these lines: “I really really think I am pregnant this time. I honestly think I am just getting my hopes up though. There is no way we could have been successful our first month with a new donor. No way. We are not that lucky. Good things don’t happen to us. *Crying.* I really do think I am pregnant though! But what if I am not!? What if I am just going to be devastated!?”
I did this my last pregnancy too. I get weepy and crazy before a BFP- so it had me pretty curious.
I took my first test on this day (sadly this is late for me- I usually start at some ridiculous day like 5dpo despite fully knowing the science behind everything). It was negative on an internet cheapie- although I was convinced I saw a second line and my husband and I spent a good 45 minutes photographing the test at various different angles and using all sorts of instagram filters on it- trying to see if we could see a second line in photos. I ended up crying before bed assuming I was probably not pregnant (but secretly thinking I really might be- but not wanting to let myself think that too much).
8dpo:
The bloating stayed and I was still getting pretty insane cramping. I just knew this time I had to be pregnant. The cramping felt too different. I was super frustrated though because I had no way to prove this- and I was fighting with my husband at this point- and paranoid that if I was not pregnant I would have to totally just own my own exaggerated emotions vs. being able to blame hormones. Please be pregnant to save face, I was praying.
I took a FRER this day and when I thought I saw a line again, of course proceeded to pry it apart and hold it up to various light sources (which for the record- I am pretty sure will guarantee you to see a line every single time if you do that).
I could barely sleep this night because I was reading stories on this website and so excited to wake up and take my temperature.
9dpo:
I started the morning off with two internet cheapies. I was convinced I saw a line on one- and this time like really convinced. Different than the other times I convinced myself it was there. My husband saw it too when he got home. I rushed out to get a FRER and there was nothing on it! But the lines on the internet cheapies were getting darker as they dry- and even though they say they are invalid then- every pregnant woman I know says that was their first sign they were pregnant. None of the internet cheapies I had the previous days had faint lines like that.
Still cramping and big boobs. Almost no CM so far- other than very occasional EWCM- but that is sparse.
I was pretty sure I was pregnant- but too scared to truly celebrate yet… so I did the “keep calm” thing and started to put a Pinterest board together for a gender reveal in July.
10dpo:
Positives on two different brands of digitals. It is official! December 2nd rainbow baby- please, please stick! We both have a really strong, positive feeling about this little soul. Positive thoughts!
To all of you longing, aching, groveling to God, crying at Facebook announcements, avoiding baby showers, and then on top of all that- feeling like you hate yourself because you don’t even recognize this you- you are not alone. You are so so not alone. It is truly SO hard. The time will come though. You will see a BFP. You get to a point where you genuinely think you will never see a BFP ever- but you will. And it will be worth the pain. Lots of hugs and baby dust to you all!